Before I decided to write stories for children, I enjoyed creating short comedy sketches - the kind where ordinary moments take an unexpected turn.

In 2004, I submitted several pieces to Channel 4’s short lived Shoot the Writers, a show that invited anyone to send in short scripts. Mine were deliberately simple, with twist endings - everyday settings like cafés and park benches, designed so they could be filmed on a shoestring budget.

They still make me smile because they share the same heart as my later writing: believable characters, gentle humour, and the feeling that you really couldn’t make these things up. They remain family-friendly and very much in the spirit of how I wrote my middle-grade submission.

***

This one’s set in a café on an ordinary weekday…

Egg, Ham and Chips

(A small café. Two men in suits sit at a table. One eats, the other watches.)

Man 1
(eyeing the plate)
I wouldn’t eat those chips if I were you. They don’t look cooked properly.

Man 2
(cuts into a fried egg, eats a bit; ignores him)

Man 1
I wouldn’t eat those eggs, mate. You never heard of salmonella?

Man 2
(grits his teeth, takes a bite of ham)

Man 1
I wouldn’t eat that ham either. Looks like it’s been dropped on the floor.
(points at the plate)
See those little brown specks? Rat droppings, that is.

Man 2
(slams down knife and fork)
Do you mind? Ever since I started my meal it’s “Don’t eat this, don’t eat that.”
Mind your own business!

(He grabs the cup of tea and starts to drink it. The café owner, in a greasy overall, approaches.)

Café Owner
Sorry to keep you waiting, mate. What’ll it be?

Man 1
Terry Pitcher, I’m here from the council - with a notice of closure for selling food unfit for human consumption.

(Long shot: Man 2, fork halfway to his mouth, suddenly pale and queasy.)

***

Another short sketch from 2004 - this one set on an ordinary evening that doesn’t go quite as expected.

Express Delivery

(A living room. A couple sit on a sofa. The man watches football on TV.)

(Close shot: the woman, chewing gum, sits on the edge of the sofa.)

Woman
(irritated)
Will you answer me?

(No reply. She waits five seconds, twitches her nose, studies her nails.)

Woman
Excuse me?

(Silence. She twitches her nose again and taps the man’s arm.)

Man
Yeah?

(He keeps his eyes on the TV.)

Woman
Now look, I’ve had enough of this. I came round as quickly as I could this evening. You let me in and then ignore me!

(The man finally glances at her.)

Man
Sorry?

(Camera pans out to show the woman in full: dressed in red, holding a pizza box.)

Woman
Cheese-and-tomato pizza in the name of Roberts - that’s £9.50 please.

(The man looks back at the TV, unfazed.)

Man
He lives next door.

(He eyes the pizza.)

Man
Probably cold by now.

(The woman drops the box in disbelief.)

***

A third short sketch from 2004 - another quiet scene with a simple misunderstanding and, of course, more food involved.

Park Life?

(A smartly dressed woman sits on a bench. She throws pieces of bread. Off-screen, the faint sounds of children and birds can be heard.)

Woman
Aww, you’re not eating the bread? Come on, eat it!

(She picks up a ham sandwich beside her and tosses it at chest height.)

Woman
Aww, you’re not eating the sandwich?

(Noticing a bin next to her, she lifts a bottle of milk - part-curdled - unscrews the top, and throws the contents forward.)

Woman
Aww, you’re not thirsty today?

(Camera pans out to reveal a policeman standing just a foot away, covered in milk, surrounded by bread and sandwiches. The “park” is actually a town shopping centre. No one else is nearby.)

(The policeman, not amused, pulls out his notebook.)

Policeman
Name!!

***

Final sketch built around quiet confusion, polite British logic, and an unexpected twist.

Man by Wall

(A living-room setting. A man and a woman sit apart - he’s on the sofa working on a Rubik’s Cube, she’s in an armchair. They may or may not be a couple.)

Woman
(raising her voice)
You done yet?

Man on Sofa
Shhhhh… nearly.

(The woman glances toward him, then points discreetly at someone off-camera.)

Woman
Not you - him.

(Camera pans out to reveal another man in a smart suit standing one foot from the wall, staring straight at it.)

Man on Sofa
Here, mate, you finished or what? We’re going out in a bit.

(The man by the wall raises his left hand to signal “one moment.” Five seconds pass. The woman checks her watch, shrugs at the man on the sofa.)

Man by Wall
Right, that’s me done.

(The man on the sofa nods and hands him some money.)

Man on Sofa
Cheers, pal.

(The man by the wall gestures politely, exits. Outside, we see tins of paint and a ladder. He climbs into a van. On the side, the words:)

VAN GOGH & CO. — “We watch paint dry so you don’t have to.”

***

Looking back, these sketches were my first experiments in showing how ordinary situations can turn into something unexpected. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was already drawn to the same kind of storytelling I use now - everyday moments, gentle humour, and a twist that feels completely believable. In the end, it’s still about real people, real reactions, and finding something funny or honest where others might not even look. It was just a shame the series was cancelled and my sketches weren’t given a chance.

All sketches © 2004 Gavin Green.